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Question #1 for February:
Question #2 for February:
Question #1 for February:
----- Original Message ----- I have two problems with my boyfriend of two years, and I'm hoping that you can help me. My first is to do with our communication, it is aweful lately. He won't be up front with me, and he can't be serious with me...he can't even say "I love you to me" in a serious voice anymore. He always says it in a baby voice, and he doesn't ever say anything really meaningful to me. He used to be really caring and say really affectionate things to me; I've tried to talk to him about this but it hasn't changed at all. I know that he loves me but Ir eally need to hear it once in a while. My second concern is that lately he also seems to put everything else in his life before me...when I want to spend time with him he will just sit and watch hockey, and he really seemst o be more concerned with his car, and every other aspect of his life rather than us. Do you have any suggestions or advice I can use to work on these problems, or is it all just hopeless?? Alice Answers:
From: Alice It sounds to me like you are very serious about this relationship, you are invested in it, and would like to see it grow. The main thing you have to realize is that you alone cannot work on these problems, you cannot fix the relationship alone, he has to be a willing participant giving at least 50% to the relationship. You may need to turn off the TV and have him sit looking you right in the eye, so that the seriousness of your feelings and the relationship are quite clear to him. Then ask him what he wants from life, the future, from you, from your relationship. Ask him what his plans, goals, and dreams are. Be careful to really listen, without interrupting or interjecting, even if you hear things that shock you or that you do not want to hear. It is a poor investment of your time and emotion if you have no idea who you are spending it on. Then tell him about your plans, goals, and dreams, it is important for you to really know one another. One of the most important things for a healthy working relationship is for each of you to know without a doubt that you don't need each other for survival, that each of you can stand completely alone and be quiet satisfied and functioning that way. Only then can you truly choose to be together, and grow together. I wonder if you would be willing to answer a few questions for me: how old are you? How old is he? What are your life plans, goals, dreams? What do you want from your relationship with this person? Perhaps thinking through these things, putting them down in visible words, and discussing them with me will give you a base for discussing the issues with him. If you find that it is too difficult to discuss these things together, if arguments or hurt feelings arise, you may want to consider a counselor who can coach you both through it and help you work through the feelings along the way, or a pastor, or an unbiased friend you both trust.
I look forward to hearing from you again
----- Original Message ----- Hi, I'm writing you back from a previous question I had for ya... I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22, and we have similar life goals and stuff, but the key difference is when we want to achieve these goals. We've already been together for 2 years and I'm not saying that it has to be this instant, but I want to be engaged in the somewhat near future, and then to stay engaged for a couple years before we get married. But he wants to wait about 4 years before we even get engaged. It kinda upsets me because after we were only going out for 6 months when he told his best friend (who told my friend) that he was planning on proposing to me before his best friend got back from Australia and that was already a year and a half ago (his friend has been back for a year and a half). He seems to be stepping back on even the day to day commitment, but still says that one day we will get married. I just want some kind of commitment from him...like you said, I want him to put 50% into this relationship. He said a few months ago that when he had the money that that would be the first thing he did is to buy a ring, but now he's got his career and is making alot of money and instead he is buying a VERY expensive sports car!!! I know I may be just being petty, but that really hurts my feelings that he cares more about getting a sports car then he does about our relationship. I don't want to invest another 4 years (making a total of at least 6 and a half) on someone who may possibly never be able to commit. Whenever I ask him how he feels about our relationship all he can bring up is that he wants more time with his friends...and we already both have quite busy schedules and don't get to see eachother very much. He thinks our relationship is great, but I think he wants every little detail to be all his way, and for him to pull all the strings. We do love each other, but I don't want to sacrifice my life goals for all of his. As time goes on things seem to be if anything moving backwards!! He gets mad when I bring up any of this, and thinks that I'm pushing him or being a nag..but it's really frustrating and weighs on my mind alot. I don't really want to give up what we have, but i'm clueless as how to go about things. I don't want to give him an ultimatum becasue I don't want to push him, but at the same time I don't want to be unhappy ....ARRRRGGGGHHH it's so difficult!!! A lot of our communication just sucks lately, and he doesn't like the word compromise...well he does, but he thinks compromise means his way. He never takes me out on weekends during the day which I really want and I talk to him about it but it never happens. I tried to make the compromise of him going out couple nights a week if he would do something with me during the day on the weekend, but all that happens is I live up to my end of the bargain but he ends up not living up to his. I know I'm probablly painting a horrible picture of him, and I don't mean to I love him and think he's a pretty great guy...but he doesn't like criticism from ANYONE and wants everything to all be his way. I really don't know what to do about this...PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!! Thank you SO much!!! Alice Answers:
From: Alice Hi Allison, I don't think I can impart profound wisdom to you here. I think everything I am going to say, you already know, but sometimes it just helps to have these awarenesses confirmed by someone else, hearing them from another person can make them more real. From what you said here, it sounds like there are some issues over power and control in your relationship with your boyfriend since you feel that he wants to pull the strings, control things and have everything go according to his time schedule. It is not good for either of you to feel "controlled" by the other, this is an issue that a lot of couples face and it takes a lot of loving discussion to create that very delicate balance. Both of you need to feel as if you are "getting" something. I hear you saying that the two of you are operating on very different time schedules, you are heavily invested in the relationship, and he sounds as if he feels somewhat smothered or crowded, that doesn't make him a bad guy, it is just how he feels. Perhaps he wants to "sew his wild oats" before settling down completely, and wants you to still be there when he is finished. I think you have a couple of options: step back from the relationship a bit, perhaps sew a few oats of your own, and see what happens, give him the ultimatum, or completely end the relationship. It sounds like continuing on as you have been is very uncomfortable for you, and therefore not an option, so I think you are going to have to make a choice. Really examine if he seems to be the guy for you, perhaps he is worth waiting for, and perhaps not. I hope this is helpful to you in deciding what you need to do for yourself. The key is that you have to make yourself happy, don't expect that from him or any other man, contentment comes from within. Good luck, and let me know if I can be of further help. Sincerely, Alice Question #1 Follow-up #2:
----- Original Message ----- Hi, Oh my gosh...things have just gotten really bad!! My boyfriend got mad at me for asking him to do something with him during the day on Saturday, and he has decided he wants a week long break to decide how he feels. We have only done something during the day 3 times in the 2 years we have been together...I don't think it is that much to ask of him. He said alot of hurtful things to me yesterday!! Before I wasn't really sure why he wants this "break" and when I phoned to ask him he said it was to figure out how he feels about us. So I told him I'de rather just end it now instead of waiting a week for him to make up his mind. He said that i don't have an option and that it's either he takes a week break, or else we are through. So I told him I'de rather end things then, and he got really mad at me, and demanded that I give him a week to think about things, and then that we try to work it out. He also yelled at me for phoning him and asking him what was going on, and I asked him about Valentines day because it is during this week...and he said a week means a week, and then he said that HE'LL see come Friday if he wants to do something on valentines day or wait until the next day. I feel like I'm getting walked all over!!! And that this is just another way for him to try to control the relationship. I've never been a demanding girlfriend to him or anything like that, it is actually quite the opposite. He expects the WORLD from me, but won't give anything back. He doesn't seem to care that I'm upset or anything. I really don't know what to do??? He can't take any responsibility for what he does, and he tries to make me at fault for everything...and tries to make me feel bad about myself, and like he's all I have and that he's doing me a favor by being with me...the problem is is that I'm starting to believe it. I don't have a clue what to do?? I don't want to wait a week for him to see if the grass is greener on the other side (and I feel guilty about doing that myself if we aren't really broken up), but at the same time I love him and don't want to end things like this. I can't even talk to him about things, cause if I phone, he'll yell at me and make me feel like an idiot for wanting to talk about this. ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, I'm so lost right now!!! I really appreciate the advice you give, and thanks alot for helping me!! Alice Answers:
----- Original Message ----- Here is my best advice for you, it is time for you to face the ugly truth, it is over and it is time for you to end it. Forget all the peripheral details and listen to the underlying message he is giving you. Gather up your strength, dignity, and self respect, tell him it is over and you are not interested in his one week verdict, and then move on. You are young and although this seems like the end of the world, believe me, it is not. Time will pass, your wounds will heal, and you will be better and stronger for it. For your own long term benefit, the main thing I want you to get from this, "the take home message" is that you need to spend some time alone, examining yourself,, your motivations, actions, feelings... It is possible that you were too heavily invested in this relationship, too eager to be loved, and this can have a smothering effect on men, if they are not mature enough to handle it, they will often react this way. You sound like an intelligent person who has some mixed up emotions and until you get those emotions sorted out, you will continue to have these problems. Do not get involved in another relationship before taking the following advice, if you do, it will also end in disaster. Please read the "Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck which is listed on my web site in the recommended reading section. This book is a great resource for living, it will give you a framework for examining yourself and learning to become a whole person separate from anyone else. Only after achieving this will you be ready for a relationship that will be healthy and strong, and that is what I wish for you. I hope I have been able to help you, please feel free to contact me with other questions, and keep me posted on your progress. Sincerely, Alice
Question #2 for February:
----- Original Message ----- hi Alice, i'm having a really hard time thinking what should i give boyfriend for valentine's day, can you help me an maybe give me some ideas. 'he's really picky' thank you Alice Answers:
From: Alice Before answering your question I will need to ask you several questions: 1. How long have you been dating? 2. How old are both of you? 3. How serious is the relationship? 4. What is he picky about, foods, clothes? 5. What did you give him last year if applicable? 6. What did he give you last year if applicable? Let me know and I'll see what I can think of.
Question #2 Follow-up #1:
To: Alice hi alice, i got ur email and i'm going to answer all ur questions so u can hep me. we have been dating for a year and the relationship is serious. I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 22, he's really picky about everything basiclly. Last year since we didnt knew each other that much he just gave me a teddy bear and a rose and he took me out to eat but i couldnt buy him nothing because i left to Uruguay a couple of days before valentines and i didnt get the chance to get him anything, but this year i want to but i have no clue. Alice Answers:
From: Alice Ok, here's the thing. Valentines Day is a day for lovers, a day of celebrating the deep intimate relationships that men and women share. It is meant to be fun. It is not the time to buy something a person needs like shirts or shoes which one could be quite picky about. My suggestion is that you think of it as a sharing/pouring out of affection. Do something special that he will always remember, some suggestions are get a nice card that is blank inside and write a poem about your love for him, or about your relationship, or about how you met, or how you felt when you met. If you are not good with poetry, just say it as you would in conversation. To me, notes like these are the best things you can get/give. Sometimes for no reason at all (except that he is wonderful and loves me) my husband will seek out my car in the parking lot where I go to school and put a love note on my windshield under the wiper blade. You can accompany the note with a pair of movie tickets for the two of you to use at some point. You can give him a rose or a teddy bear to sit on his shelf to think of you. Remember, it doesn't have to be elaborate, just loving. I hope this helps. Keep me posted, I'd like to hear how things turn out. Sincerely, Alice |
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Last updated on February 16, 2003. AliceAnswers is a Registered Service Mark of Alice M. Edwards. In addition, the entire contents of this site are copyright (c) 2000-2003 by Alice M. Edwards unless otherwise noted; and can not be used, except for review purposes, without the written permission of Alice M. Edwards |