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Question #1 for January:
Question #2 for January:
Question #1 for January: ----- Original Message -----
To: Alice @ aliceanswers.com Alice, I was writing you for some advice (of course) that I needed. I have been consulting with another patient that I feel comfortable talking about the situation with, and got some advice from her, now basically I want to see what you think and compare advice to see if I get the same response. Basically it is regarding my mom and kid sister. Here is the deal: my mom is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. See, we moved to California when I was a month old because my dad was in the navy. I noticed that her drinking was heavier when my dad would be overseas. Then finally, the last time my dad left, (I was 14 and my sister was 6) my mom was convinced (by family here) to leave him (she said because he had still been talking to his high school sweetheart) and we moved back here. When we got back here, we stayed with my grandmother and my mom was like a born again teenager and went out of control as far as drinking and being with different men. A year later, we got our own place and she got on her feet. She went to A.A. and she stayed sober for 6 months. After that, it was terrible. I couldn't talk to her without feeling like I was arguing with her. So I found myself going over my cousins house every weekend until finally my Aunt let me stay with her. Then the summer after I went to ______, I counldn't stay in the dorms so I moved back in with her until I was supposed to go back. I hated it. The drinking got on my nerves, and the little comments she made did too. So I found myself working 2 jobs just to stay away from there. Before the end of the summer, I made myself an agreement that if I couldn't get back into school, I would rent an apartment. Well, you know what happened. So I would call her every weekend and come over once a week to do her hair. I just couldn't tell her anything. I tell her my problems and she never ever took my side. I might have been in the wrong in some instances, but not all the time. I could tell her about something, she will give me her analogy about it and that's how it was no matter if I knew the analogy was not right. Then I noticed that no matter what I would be talking about the conversation somehow turned into one of her many guy friends who had came over that weekend and how he did something to make her mad or whatever. I didn't care to hear it. So I don't go over there. Her drinking has caused embarrassing moments. One example was about 2 years ago on Mothers day. I will never forget it. My boyfriend and I told our moms to come over at 7:30 because we cooked dinner for them. Well his mom was right on time. My mom and sister show up at 8. My mom was totally drunk. On top of that she brings over some video game (she is into video games as much as a teenage boy) that she wants us to see. While my boyfriends mom and I are fixing our plates, I constantly apologize for my mom's behavior. While we are all eating (except for her who is engrossed in the game) she constantly pulls my boyfriends arm to play the game in the middle of him trying to eat. Then she and my sister get into an argument. She didn't even eat. And his mom was just sitting there in shock. I felt like hiding. After his mom left (which was like 15-30 minutes after she ate), we had to make my mom leave. The last incident was this past Thanksgiving. One of my cousins just bought a house so she had the get-together. It started at 4. My boyfriend and I came around 6:45. The minute we walk in the door, I was ready to leave. As we were taking our shoes off my mom was there and she was the loudest one "Oh it's my daughter and Mike" (that's my boyfriend). He comes over and she teases him and says she seen him on the news, he had robbed a bank or something. You could tell he didn't want to talk to her but he played along. Then she askes me where is the nearest liquor store and wanted me to go and get her something to drink (like she wasn't already drunk enough). To get out of it, I told her no because I had just drove to LaGrange and back for his familys' Thanksgiving. I give Mike a tour of the house and as soon as I get done, she was calling him because she wanted him to show her where a liquour store is and my sister was going to show her how to get back to my cousins house. Somehow I got forced to go. So I went to put my shoes (actually my expensive pair of boots) on, and guess who has them on. So I tell her that those are my boots and she goes off on me saying she had some boots on too. She is snatching the boots off almost damaging them. She finally finds her shoes, which aren't boots at all, they are sandals. Well my sister is standing there all this time because she really didn't know the deal of who was going. My mom looks at her and then gets mad for no reason at all and snaps "Nevermind, you're not going". Meanwhile, the whole family is looking at us. When we get back to my cousins, I didn't even go back in. Mike and I hopped in my car and I left. I called my cousin to tell her that I wasn't coming back and to have my sister either stay the night with her or to come over my house because she didn't need to be riding home with my mom. As far as my sister goes, my mom has pretty much brainwashed her to think my dad is a deadbeat. She tells my sister a little too much, like when he didn't pay child support and there have been times when he has slacked on birthday and christmas gifts. But I think he had a right because he was sending my mom $1500 a month for both of us and when he would come visit us, we weren't in the best of clothes. He would get so aggrevated because he would send so much money and surely it wasn't going towards us. When I lived with my aunt, he wanted my part sent there, but the courts wouldn't let him do that. He would get so mad because he knew my aunt wasn't getting any money for me. Anyways, when my sister talks to him, she always smarts off and my mom would just love it. She would try to use us against each other and see what type of gifts I would get from him compared to my sister. My sister thinks my dad favors me, so my mom told her he's not my real dad (which but I don't know whether it's true or not) but that's the only dad I know. She had no right telling her that. All she had to say was that I have gotten alot more time to spend with him. This past summer, I wanted to take my sister with me to visit him and when I consulted my mom, she didn't think it was a good idea and had the nerve to ask where I was getting the money to pay for us to fly out there. Needless to say, I convinced my sister to go. I notice that my dad and I are the ones taking care of my sister: When he didn't have a job and finally found one, he started sending my mom personal checks (for $400) for my sister's child support until it was arranged with his job for them to send it to her. Hardly any money goes towards my sister. When my sister started school this year and had to wear uniforms, all my mom bought her was 2 shirts and 2 pairs of pants and shorts and wasn't planning on buying anymore stuff. So I told my dad who sent me the money to buy her some more clothes. Now why should he do that when he sends child support. He paid for my sisters acting classes this past summer and sent her $100 when she went to Canada with the chorus at school (which she would not have gotten to go on had she not been the lucky student who was outstanding enough to have the trip paid for). For her birthday, he sent her a gift certificate to the Sharper Image store. What did my mom get her? Nothing. 2 years ago, when I noticed my sister's eyesight was getting bad, I was the one who paid over $200 for her exam and glasses. My mom lets the drinking and men come before us, and I noticed after 9 years of being divorced, she still lets my dad control her. Anything I do, she is jealous of. The vacations my boyfriend and I take. The clothes I wear. She doesn't appreciate what I get her. I took 2 different modeling classes and each one had a graduation. Well, she didn't come to the first one, I said that's okay but I stressed to her that she better come the 2nd one because that was more important to me. Do you think she came? I was so mad at her. When my sister told her how mad I was, she said "Oh well, she'll get over it". She didn't go to my sister's 8th grade graduation because it was at 8 in the morning and she didn't have a way there. I go all out for my sister on Christmas, so last year, my mom wanted me to put her name on some of the gifts I bought. Why? So that if my dad called and asked my sister what my mom got her, she would have something to tell. But I didn't do it. The schedule of things I had for going places for Christmas was I would go over my aunts xmas eve and open gifts. Then xmas morning I had to go to Mike's familys house to eat breakfast, open gifts and then eventually eat lunch. So I asked my mom if they could come over my house before we left, so that we could do xmas. She was more concerned about one of her male friends spending the night and not wanting to get up that early. So we ended up going over there in between Mikes gift opening and lunch. And all my mom got my sister was a pair of earrings that could not have cost more that $5. My mom knows I have a copy of my dads Will and wants to see it because she wants to know who is getting his money. As far as gifts go with my dad, if he sends my sister something expensive my mom wants to know how come he can't send more child support if he has that kind of money, and if he sends my sister something small, its "that's all he can get her?" The problem we are having right now is that my sister wants her eyes checked again. She has insurance, from my dad, that will pay for her eye and dental exams. But the ins. is only valid if her military ID card is. That expired almost a year ago. To ask my mom to take her to get it renewed, we can forget it. I don't want to drive all the way to Fort Knox to find out that she needs a legal guardian. I am trying to talk my dad into moving back here for her even though my sister (my mom mainly) doesn't want him to. He is not to sure with my sister's attitude towards him. I find myself setting the positive image for my sister (not that there is anything wrong with that). I mainly provide for her besides my dad. I am concerned for her safety. My mom admits to having blackouts when she drinks. I am scared that one day one of those men my mom has over, will rape my sister. My sister can't even talk to her. She talks to the lady who lives next door. My cousin and aunt offered my sister to live with them and she says okay, but you can tell she doesn't really want to. I think mainly because my mom always says how my aunt raised me and she doesn't want someone taking my sister. So I want to know what should or can I do about my mom? I hope you can be of some help. Sorry for the life story. I felt it would help you get a good understanding of whats going on so that I could get adequate feedback. Thank you! Sincerely, Quiet AliceAnswers: Sent: Friday, December 19, 2003 8:45 AM Subject: Re: Quiet one needs advice. Dear Quiet One, You are a remarkable young woman, you seem to me to be very intelligent and wise beyond your years. Here's the thing, you are not dealing with your Mom, you are dealing with the alcohol. I do not even think you know her, or that she knows herself. Your relationship with her is nil in my opinion, you don't / can't possibly even have a relationship with her. I think that interaction with her is very destructive for you emotionally, and therefore, I would advise you to stop it completely. If you have health insurance I would advise you seek counseling for yourself because dealing with this alone is too stressful and not expedient. Call the number on the back of your insurance card and explain to the screener that you have severe family disturbances based on your Mother's alcoholism, they will give you referrals in your area who accept your coverage and can deal with these kinds of issues. There is also free and sliding fee scale counseling available in most areas for people who have no health insurance. Unfortunately, I think you have two choices, neither of which is pleasant, and sometimes we find ourselves having to choose between the lesser of two evils. You can turn your head, shut off that part of yourself and walk away, or you can bite down hard and go in for the long hard fight to save your sister from certain disaster. This is why I advised you to seek counseling, you are going to need all the support you can get. It sounds like you can count on your Dad and your boyfriend for help and support and that is wonderful. Your younger sister is at risk as you stated. If you choose not to walk away from the situation, you are going to have to get the courts involved. I would advise you to call CPS (Child Protective Services), you need to call the Crisis Center in your area and you can file a CPS report with them. You can also take out an MIW on your Mom. This is a Mental Inquest Warrant, the Crisis Center can give you the number to call for detailed information on how that works. Your sister needs to be gotten away from your Mom as soon as possible for her safety and wellbeing. She may fight you and that will make it harder for you to do this if you choose to, but hang in there, don't give up, she is worth saving. I am sorry to say this but your Mom is toxic for you and your sister, and you cannot help her, you must get away from her in order to save yourselves from this chaos. Only she can help herself, and history has shown that she is not willing to do so. Do not forget these things: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, you teach people how to treat you, and any interaction with her, even negative, will feed her and give her ammunition to support her position on her map of reality. The only way to possibly wake her up, and shake her up, is for you and your sister to completely stop any contact with her until she has gotten clean and sober, which may be never. I don't know what else to say to you at this point, I could go on and on, but it seems to me that you have some thinking, praying, and soul searching to do in order to make some tough decisions. You sound like a very strong woman to me, and I know that if you choose the hard fight you will do well. Just be sure to protect yourself along the way. At this point, and at some points in the future your sister may not see you this way, but I think you are an angel of mercy for her. I hope some of this helps you to think through what you are up against, and I welcome any other questions you may have as you go through this process, whichever process you choose. Sincerely, Alice
Question #2 for January --- Original message follows. Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 03:09:24 +0000 (GMT) Subject: help hai, i want to change my friend who goes in a wrong way.can u please help me to change my friend. me and my friend(a guy)we both r very close moreover he is just 17 years old.he has got a very bad babit of being attracted towards girls ,he is smart ,handsome and by the way he speaks he seems to attract other girls and ultimately he have a crush on him.he is quite soft nature ,even though he doesn't like a girl and when she comes and proposes him ,he doesn't has the heart to hurt him and he starts talking with them,a when a girl is in front of and when she is quite close to him he gets tempted and touches the girls when that also co-operates......but he won't go beyond that limit.he tells me that he goes mad when a girl is infront of him and he cannot resist it..plz help me.... we r in 11th std and we want go for a good proffesional cource and he good in his studies and i feel he will be better in his studies if he gives up all these bad habits...hope u will help me...plz egarly waiting for ur mail ......plz AliceAnswers:
Sent: Thursday, January 01, 2004 5:08 PM ----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, January 01, 2004 5:08 PM I would like to preface my response to your problem by acknowledging that I realize we are from different countries and therefore have different social and cultural norms I agree with you, your friend's behavior seems inappropriate and it sounds like you are very smart, and very invested in this relationship. I am assuming that you are romantically involved with this young man, or would like to be, which makes it seem worse. I think it is important for you to understand that we cannot "change" another person's behavior, however much we would like to. It is up to them to change their own behavior. We can influence another person's behavior partly with our response to their behavior, and partly by expressing to them our concern for the course they are choosing for their lives. We can also express to them how their behavior makes us feel or effects us. It seems to me that your friend is getting a lot of sexual gratification from his behavior and is making excuses for it by saying he can't resist the temptation. He talks and acts in certain ways in order to gain access to the sexual play he is engaging in. It is my guess that he is fully aware of this and can absolutely control it and himself if he chooses. The question is whether he chooses. My best advice to you is this, express to your friend how this makes you feel, how negatively it effects you and your relationship with him. Let him know that you are concerned for his immediate wellbeing and his future. Let him know that this behavior is unacceptable to you and that you intend to end any contact with him if he continues this course. Tell him how you feel about him and what wishes you have for your relationship both present and future, but make it clear that it is contingent on his changing this behavior. Then you just have to let him make his choice, knowing that this may end your relationship. You have to value yourself, do not allow others to subject you to a negative life course. You have to choose your friends wisely and make a good life choices for yourself. As I said earlier, you sound like a very smart person who has a good value system, you should not compromise it for anyone. It is far better to be alone than to be in a destructive relationship. Thank you very much for your question, and I hope I have been able to help you with your difficult decisions. Take care and please let me know how things work out, and if I can be of further assistance to you. Sincerely, Alice |
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