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Question #1 for March:
Question #2 for March:
Question #3 for March:
Question #1 for January: ----- Original Message -----
To: alice Hey Alice, It's xxxxx's old 'partner in crime'. This time I am seeking advice about something other than my mom and sister (by the way, she choose to stop drinking on her own, as of December 7, 2004. I just found out because she is not telling a lot of people due to some negative comments she's gotten. I praised her for making such a huge descision on her own.). Its mainly about me. I seem to have a problem of stressing over my friends' problems. I don't seem to stress over my own because when I look at theirs, my problems are not even problems. I know that my job as a friend is to be supportive and give advice, or just listen. But when they constantly complain about the same thing and don't do anything about it, I find myself avoiding them for a while. I know I should probably say "Look, if you are not going to do anything about it or take my advice, I don't want to hear it," but you can't say something like that without hurting someone's feelings. Plus, I practice the popular phrase "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you". I wouldn't want them doing that to me. But, I have one friend that I do not avoid. She is my best friend and besides her husband, I am the only person she has ( her dad died in '98 and mom in '02). However, they own a business in retail and he is tired of it, so she is forced to work all by herself 10 hours a day, 6 days a week while he sits at home doing nothing. They are almost $200,000 in debt and she doesn't have her priorities together ($300 worth of christmas gifts for her husband came before her 2 months mortgage). With the business, she's lossing money and not profitting anything. Her husband works a 3rd shift job and pays what he wants when he wants. He is also an alcoholic and is starting to get abusive. On top of that he was in a minor wreck and got a DUI about a month ago. So now he has no license and is going to A.A. classes and she has to take him everywhere. This is where it interferes with me, because on my free time, she is asking me to watch the store (obviously she has no employees because she can't afford it) while she runs him around. I am so furious. She is the only friend that I do tell her how I feel about the situation. But I hate to avoid her because she is my best friend. So: a) I don't have insurance, is there any places you can refer for me to talk to a therapist about my issues with other peoples issues. b) What do I do about my best friend? Thanks for your time - Quiet One AliceAnswers: Hi Quiet One, Please forgive me for the delay in responding to your very difficult situation, I have been juggling school and applying for graduate school and it has been a very busy time. Wow, congratulations to your Mom on her progress, I think it is great and you must be very proud of her. As for your situations with your friends, I do have a few things to say. The first level of issues seems anoying but is not that difficult to handle as long as you do it diplomatically. Remember, if you are bothered by something someone else is doing either to you or themselves the way you frame your statements of disgust is the most impacting factor. You have to tell them how it effects you, making "I" statements. You have to say something like this: "when I hear you say this and you have said it to me many times before, I get upset because I care so much about you, and I worry about you. I think it is time you did something about this issue because I value you and our relationship so much." Then you have to throw it back in their laps by saying something like this: "what would you like to have happen in this situation?" and "what could you do to make that happen, what would be the first step, what would be the second step?" and "what changes are you willing to make?." It may be that you get a lot of "yes but" responses, this is normal, you have to press on with the questioning, be creative, you are very smart and I know you can do it. If after a while you feel you are going in circles and accomplishing nothing with them, (which may happen), don't despair, you may have to tell them that you are really upset about the pattern you see with them, that you have noticed over time that they continue to complain about issues, but do nothing and it is effecting your friendship with them which you value so much and do not want to loose, you would like to know what else you could talk about other than those issues. The only other option aside from gently confronting them is to redirect the conversation to something inoccuous. The second level you discuss in your question is the most difficult to handle. The main issue is this: by helping your friend you are enabling her to enable her husgane to be a spouse abusing, womanizing, alcohol abusing drain. He is draining her and he is draining you and you are not married to him. First of all, she should not be driving him around as a result of his misdeads when she has huge responsibilities to contend with which he is not helping her with according to what I am hearing. My best advice to you is to advise her, again very gently, that you want to help her but you are being negatively impacted by this situation. You could use the same techniques as above to see how far that goes, to get her thinking if nothing else. You could invite her to get help for herself and her husband like counseling to work out the situation. If he is not amenable to counseling, I think that their relationship is doomed to failure since it doesn't sound very good or viable now, it is just a question of when, not whether. In any case, you will belefit from taking a giant step back from the situation. You may have to tell her that you can't watch the store for her because you have something to do, even if you don't. Don't let this make you feel guilty, you are a separate entity from her and all other people and you have to carry on with your own life. You did not marry this man, and you are not responsible for what happens in their marriage. Yes, it is good to help your friends, but there comes a time when it is no longer helping them, but rather facilitating infantilism. Life is tough, we all must grow up and move forward responsilby. I can give you two resources now that I can think of, Saint Matthews Area Ministries at 893-0205, They have counseling services on a sliding fee scale based on income. They are very good, don't be skeptical because it is affiliated with a church organization, they won't preach to you, they have therapists who will help you. The other one is the Morton Center at 451-1221, I don't know how their fees work, but they may be able to give you a referral if they can't help you. For more resources there is always the Crisis and Information Center at 589-4313. You can call 24 - 7 and a counselor will give you more resources for counseling. I think you are a very smart well grounded woman who attracts people with severe problems like a magnet, this may have something to do with your relationship with your Mom and her issues. Perhaps you have taken on the role of rescuer, but this is not a healthy role for you or anyone else. I applaud you for considering seeking counseling because I think you would greatly benefit from it. You seem willing to do the work and bear the pain, and those are important ingredients for success. It seems to me that you just need a little assistance in "tweeking" yourself because you are a high functioning person. I hope this information has been somewhat helpful. Please let me know if ther is any other way I can assist you. Good Luck, Sincerely, Alice
Question #2 for March ----- Original Message -----
To: Alice I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 17. We've been dating for 10 months and it's a really serious relationship. I love him and he loves me unconditionally and I know that we're young, but we are both really sincere to each other about our feelings and about what we want to happen in our relationship. Lately though, he's been asking me questions about what I would do if we were to ever break up and if we would still be friends. And after 3 days of questioning to myself why he's been feeling this way and asking me these questions, he finally said the real reason: He wants to spend more time with his friends. I totally understand that and I will give him weeks and weeks to be with his friends because he hasn't been able to be with them a lot during the school year because he didn't have a car and neither of us drove. I would tell him all the time to go hang out with them but he'd insist he wanted to be with me instead. But now that he has his license and he can see his friends a lot since it's the summer, he still hasn't been acting towards that goal of his. And I know that it's rough not seeing your friends and it's a lot harder on him than it is on me because my parents aren't as strict as his are and they let me go out a lot more; so, I get to see my friends. When he told me how he was feeling and what the real reason was as to why he was acting like this the past few days, he told me he was considering taking a break but now that he thought about it more, didn't want to. I personally don't think that that is a good idea because if we take a break and he goes and hangs out with his friends and then he wants to get back together with me, I have a feeling things will just go back to being normal and personally, I don't want to take a break in fear of him never coming back and losing my first love and best friend. I think it would be a lot easier if we just tried to work it out while still going out so it won't be hard to get back in the swing of things if we were to take a break. I've been loosing a lot of sleep over this and it's hard for me to be happy not knowing if in the back of his mind, he's thinking about breaking up or if he's thinking about taking a break. He's also giving me a lot of mixed signals, as well. For instance, he mentioned the "taking a break" idea to me but then right after he said it he told me he realized how he'd be so lonely without me and how he really wants us to be together and how much he loves me. But how do I know what he's really feeling and whether or not if he's sugar coating the entire situation because he's scared or confused himself. It's so hard to manage a relationship at this age considering the fact that we are both maturing and trying to grow up and deal with all of our life problems as well as try to keep a stable relationship going. I have NO intenstions what-so-ever of breaking up or taking a break because our love is too strong to just put it away because of one problem we can try to work out together and hopefully, successfully do. What do you think I should do and what actions do you think I should take so he will be open to hang out with his friends (even though I've always wanted him to chill with them because I know how important friendships are and I would never want that bond to break between him and his friends, he just seems like he feels obligated to be with me all the time). Help me please! AliceAnswers:
Sent: Wednesday, July 21, 2004 7:15 PM Hello Andrea, I think there are a couple of things are going on here. One thing that strikes me is his potential sense of confinement. It sounds like he has little freedom from his parents authority, perhaps being in a very close relationship with one person at this age is wrong for him in the long run. Perhaps at some point he will feel totally consumed and that he never had a chance to "sew his wild oats". Even though you are encouraging him to hang out with his friends, which is good, and very adult of you, there is still that sense of obligation and lack of total freedom. Which leads me to my other point: You are absolutely right, it is hard to manage a relationship like this at your ages because you don't know who you are, you are still discovering so many things about yourself that a relationship can really interfere with your self actualization process. I realize that it is intriguing, exciting, fun, and emotionally gratifying in the short term, but it can be devastating for both your futures to lock yourselves in like this. The parental relationship is designed to provide the comfort, security, and emotional support you need to complete the developmental process so that you will be fully prepared to manage a relationship of this magnitude. Sorry for the preach, as my daughter likes to call it, but there are valid points to what I'm saying, and when you know that what you are saying is the truth and someone can benefit from it, you can't help saying it. My third and final point is this: if he is saying these things, or hinting around about taking a break, it is likely that it is what he really wants. Whether he can fully admit it to you is the question. Because I think he really does care deeply for you, and does not wish to cause you pain, especially considering the closeness of your relationship. I hope that some of this will be of some help to you. Please feel free to email me again, with more questions, or updates on how things are going. Sincerely, Alice
Question #3 for March ----- Original Message -----
To: Alice hi alice, i've visited your site and it's great, and i was wondering if you can help me. i've broke up with my bf about a week ago, well basically because he is always with his friends and he always listens to what they say , so i got tired and the fact that hi knew this relationship wouldn't work out because my parents don't like his race and therefore they don't like him , this is kind of stupid but i really like him and when i broke up with him 2 days later he messaged me and he said that he couldn't stop thinking about me and couldn't sleep but 2 days after that he came to talk to me and he said that he is not feeling anything anymore and all his feelings for me is gone, and his friend was there with him and he said that i should've told my parents aboutme and him dating because he wanted to spend more time with me and well we didn't spend that much that together and that bothered him but i want to know if he still cares for me and likes me or whatever he said was true? we dated for 4 months . tnxxx alot AliceAnswers:
Sent: Sunday, April 25, 2004 Hi, I wonder what you hope to gain in knowing if he really means it when he says he can't stop thinking about you. Is it possible that he is trying to manipulate you in saying those things to you when you have already broken up? It seems clear that he is not ready for a committed relationship, and perhaps you are not either. These things depend largely on your ages and future aspirations. I know that young women in your age group (I am guessing you are between 15 and 23) don't want to hear this, but it is likely that your parents have a pretty good idea of what is best for you. I am not referring to the racial exclusion issues, I think that has to be a matter of personal choice separate from your parent's views, but the rest of it, school, goals, principles ... I would encourage you to innitiate conversations with your parents regarding where you are, where you are going, and what goals you would like to set for your future. Your parents can be a great source of comfort and advocacy, but remember that relationships are a two way street, you have to treat them as well as yourself with respect in order to gain their respect. I hope this has been helpful advice. Sincerely, Alice
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Last updated on March 13, 2005 AliceAnswers is a Registered Service Mark of Alice M. Edwards. In addition, the entire contents of this site are copyright (c) 2000-2005 by Alice M. Edwards unless otherwise noted; and can not be used, except for review purposes, without the written permission of Alice M. Edwards |